How to choose a jeweller for your engagement ring

A good jeweller should let you inspect the diamond
using a loupe against a white background

You've debated ethics, you've decided how much you want to spend, you've got clued up on the 4Cs and you know your four-claw from your rub over, so it's now it's time to stump up the cash and actually buy the engagement ring.

Depending on your thoughts on the above, finding the right jeweller could be as simple as walking into your nearest shopping centre. However, if you're seeking out an ethical ring, you're options are narrowed considerably – something I quickly discovered.

As a Londoner, the famous jewellery district of Hatton Garden seemed like an obvious first port of call.

But despite its reputation as the go-to place in the capital, I found it a bit intimidating. In the first shop I went in, I encountered the archetypal pushy salesman – more interested in making a quick buck than listening to my requirements.

Before I knew it, he was trying to close the sale with me on a huge diamond well over my price range – I quickly scarpered.

A few days later I decided to take the safer phone approach, but was left equally unimpressed. The guy I spoke to, the co-owner, couldn't even tell me where his diamonds came from.

"I don't really get involved in that side of things," he explained. So much for the Kimberley process.

Widening my search, I came across a place in Mayfair selling Canadian stones and bespoke rings "by appointment only". Although it was tempting to commission my own CAD-designed creation, I couldn't really justify the extra cost – especially when I was just after something simple anyway.

Another "ethical" jeweller my Google search unearthed was right on the outskirts of London and it involved a convoluted journey by bus, tube, train and foot to get there. However, this turned out to be more than worth it as Samara James provided me with a fantastic experience from start to finish.

Being a showroom rather than a shop, the atmosphere was far more relaxed than I had found in Hatton Garden. The sales assistant Julian was also everything you could want: friendly, patient, knowledgeable and reassuring.  

Over a couple of two-hour sessions he answered my numerous questions, allowed me to look at Russian diamonds they had ordered in for me under the microscope and gave me time to deliberate over the settings.

When I got my hands on the beautiful ring they had made for me, I knew all my hard work and effort had been worth it. 

Choosing an engagement ring setting

18kt white gold, four-claw 'compass' setting

After all the work that I put into selecting the diamond itself, I was hoping that choosing a band might be the easiest part of the whole process.

How wrong could I be? From picking the setting to getting the correct size, I found issues at every turn.

Metal for the band

By far the easiest part was selecting the material I wanted. You're pretty much limited to three or four options: gold, white gold, platinum and titanium.

Gold is the classic and cheaper option, while platinum and titanium are more modern and more expensive choices.

I knew my fiancée didn't like gold and I couldn't afford platinum, so white gold was almost chosen for me.

If you do select gold, make sure that what you are buying is ideally 18kt in quality, or you might find after a while that things start to go green – as I explained in 'How much should I spend on an engagement ring?'

It's also worth bearing in mind that white gold gets its shiny appearance from a covering of rhodium, which will scratch and wear off over time. However, this can be re-applied at relatively low cost, so it's nothing to stress over.

Once you've picked your metal, it's time to think about the setting itself.

Setting

There are a surprising number of things to consider when it comes to the setting, from the amount and orientation of the 'claws' to the height that the stone will sit.  

The claws are basically what hold the gem in place and usually vary in number from two to six. There is also something called a 'rub over' where the stone is built into the ring itself.

As I was going for a relatively small diamond, I decided the setting needed to work to show off the stone as much as possible. This meant claws rather than a rub over, and four rather than six prongs to ensure that the diamond wasn't crowded out.

When you choose a four-claw setting, you also have to decide if you want a 'compass' or a square configuration, which makes quite a difference. If you have the prongs arranged at 2 o'clock, 4 o'clock, 8 o'clock and 10 o'clock, an optical illusion makes a round gem look square, whereas if you have a north, south, east, west configuration, it ensures you retain the stone's round appearance.  

I also went for quite an open design, so that both the top and bottom of diamond were visible, but one that did not elevate the stone too high (Tiffany-style settings are particularly tall), as I figured this would make it less likely to catch on things when my fiancée was wearing it. What a considerate boyfriend I was.

Ring size

Last, but by no means least, you've got to pick a size.

If, like me, you want the proposal to be a complete surprise, this can be the trickiest part – especially when your girlfriend doesn't normally wear rings. Not to mention that ring sizes are another unintuitive series of letters, much as with diamond colour.

All I had to go on was Grandma's ring, which I knew at least fitted on her finger.  This led me to a size M/N, which as it turns out was quite large.

Having ordered the ring, I began to get worried that it would be massive on her finger, so I managed to trick her into going to a jewellers to get it measured on the pretence I would get her Grandma's ring restored. Cunning, I know.

The resulting text message came as quite a shock. Size J – a full three/four sizes smaller than her Grandma's ring. Cue a panicked phone call to the jewellers.

In the end I plumped for one size bigger than what she had measured just to ensure that the ring would definitely fit on the day – there's surely nothing worse than getting a 'yes', but not actually being able to put the ring on. 

Buying a diamond engagement ring: the 4Cs

This is what a 0.3ct, round brilliant, H, SI1, 'excellent' cut
diamond looks like

If you've been researching buying a diamond engagement ring, you may have come across the term 'the 4 Cs'.

But what exactly are they?

Well this catchy little phrase stands for Carat, Clarity, Colour and Cut. However, as I learnt, while they all begin with the letter 'C', this certainly does not mean they are all equal. They can also all have a dramatic effect on the price of the stone, so it pays to know which of them is the most important.

Carat

This is probably the thing with which the majority of buyers are most concerned – I know I was initially.

'Carat' refers to the weight of the stone; so quite simply, the bigger the number, the larger the rock. And for some people, getting their hands on a gem that hits the magic 1ct mark becomes something of an obsession.

My jeweller told me that one of his other clients had paid hundreds more than he could have on a slightly smaller 0.95ct diamond, just so he could have the pleasure of telling people it was 1ct in size.

As well as being unnecessarily expensive, such stones will also appear very large on your fiancée's hand and she might actually feel more comfortable with something a little less ostentatious.

I got my fiancée a 0.3ct diamond (anything smaller and I couldn't have got a certified stone) and, despite a few concerns, was actually pleasantly surprised at just how big it appeared once it was her finger.

Overall, my best piece of advice is not to get caught up on the numbers – think instead about matching the diamond to your girlfriend. This also makes sense financially, as for every 0.1ct you add, the price increases significantly.

Clarity

Clarity refers to how perfect the diamond is. However, unlike carat and cut, which are in the hands of the craftsmen, clarity and colour are determined by Mother Nature.

The clarity rating of a diamond is related to the number and size of the 'inclusions' present inside it. When viewed through a microscope – I recommend trying this at your jewellers – these inclusions appear as black specs or foggy patches. These are caused by crystals or cracks inside the diamond.

You may have guessed that anything which you need a microscope to see is not really something to be too concerned about and you certainly don't need to waste your money buying a flawless gem (unless you want to brag about it). In fact, anything better than 'slightly included 1' (SI1) and you should be fine. 'Very slightly included' (VS) and you're laughing.

Colour

As mentioned above, this is another element about which nature decides. Strangely with diamonds, both ends of the scale demand high prices.

So although colourless diamonds fetch mega bucks, very strongly coloured diamonds ('fancy' diamonds) can also be highly sought after. Somewhere in between are the kinds of stones you will find in most jewellery shops.

Colour has a strange grading system, no doubt designed to bamboozle the average consumer, which is based on most of the alphabet: 'D' meaning colourless, down to 'Z' with a yellow tinge. Where A to C went is anyone's guess.

But again, as with clarity, perfection is not needed here and anything graded 'H' or better should not appear yellow to the naked eye. This is another area where you can easily waste hundreds of pounds on something that doesn't really make a visible difference.

Cut

This, quite obviously, refers to the process of taking the raw material that came from the ground and turning it into a perfectly shaped stone. The quality of the cut – the way in which the individual facets of the diamond have been angled – is by far the most important of the 4Cs, as it has the biggest influence over how well the gem will catch the light.

The word 'cut' might also be used to refer to the shape of the diamond. I went for a round brilliant style, but there are many others, including emerald, which is a rectangular shaped cut.

Your jeweller may also tempt you with something called 'hearts and arrows'. This is where the diamond has been cut so precisely that, when seen through a special viewer, a perfect circle of hearts is created on one side of the diamond and a circle of arrows is created on the other.

It looks very cool (like a natural kaleidoscope) and I admittedly did get caught up in the romanticism of it all. However, once the diamond was actually set in the ring I could no longer see this special effect and only assure my fiancée it was there – it's all a bit gimmicky really.

However, this being said, the ring does sparkle beautifully and it was well worth spending the extra to get an 'excellent' cut and polish.

Conclusion

The 4Cs are by no means all equal – prioritise the right elements and you can easily get a gorgeous diamond that's just right for your girlfriend but within your budget. 

How much should I spend on an engagement ring?

De Beers' iconic slogan

The concept of blood diamonds (as discussed in my previous post on ethics) is well known, but the idea that you must spend one or two months' salary on the ring is perhaps even more deeply ingrained in the public consciousness.  

Type 'how much should I spend on an engagement ring?' into Google/Bing and you will come across hundreds of forums all repeating what is actually no more than an extremely clever piece of marketing by a company that is very much interested in the amount you spend: De Beers.

The Luxembourg-based firm completely controls the diamond industry and owes much of its profits to some creative pieces of advertising copy over the past 60 years.

Diamonds are forever

While 'A diamonds is forever' cemented diamond rings as the default engagement symbol, it was a less well known slogan - 'How else can two months' salary last forever?' - which set the bar for men everywhere.

So first things first, don't let this piece of marketing pressure you into spending more than you can afford. After all, no one but you needs to know how much the ring cost.

Having said that, for those of you who are thinking of making the 'traditional' choice and plumping for a diamond, there is a minimum amount that you must spend.

Minimum spend

If you want a certified stone, you will need to buy one 0.3ct or greater. If you want an 'ethical' choice, you will be limited to the number of retailers on which you can call. If you want to ensure that the band is not going to turn green over time like the first piece of jewellery I brought for my fiancée, you need to buy 18kt gold (this is because the lower the gold content, the more copper and nickel will be present, which can react with the skin). 

To get all this, you will probably need to spend at least £600-£1,000 ($975-$1,625); as much as half of which could go on the cost of the band). However, increase the size of the diamond towards the magic (and much overrated) 1ct mark and you are looking at £2,000-plus ($3,250) easily – especially if you want a platinum and not a gold setting.

Other gems are cheaper (you can get a bigger stone for your buck), but you still have to factor in the cost of the setting. You must also bear in mind that, unlike diamonds, which have a neutral colour, the distinctive shades of sapphires, rubies and amethysts means that you need to have a very good idea of what your girlfriend likes.

Another couple of options are wooden bands or fake diamonds (not the most romantic idea perhaps), which can be picked up for a fraction of the cost of a diamond. 

Save some money in reserve

In conclusion, rather than worrying about De Beers' slogan, try to balance out between getting the kind of ring and level of quality you want with spending a sensible amount – remember the wedding and honeymoon are still to come!

There are also some tricks you can employ that can cut hundreds off the price without compromising the ring's appearance, as I will detail in my next blog on the infamous '4 Cs'. 

How to choose an engagement ring: ethics

Scar on the landscape: a Canadian diamond mine

Ethics formed a considerable part of the selection process for me. It was not only something that was significant on a personal level, but something that I knew would be important to my girlfriend (now fiancée) as well.

Everyone has heard of the term 'blood diamond' and it was certainly foremost in my mind when I started looking at engagement rings. I felt very uncomfortable with the idea that, by buying a diamond ring, I could be contributing to bloodshed in Africa.

However, as I researched further, I realised that conflict diamonds are far from the only consideration the conscientious consumer has to bear in mind, as I will now explain.

Conflict/blood diamonds

Conflict diamonds are defined by the UN as those "that originate from areas controlled by forces or factions opposed to legitimate and internationally recognised governments, and are used to fund military action in opposition to those governments, or in contravention of the decisions of the [UN] Security Council". In essence, they are gems that are used to finance wars.

Working on the principal that there are very few people who aren't concerned by this, those involved in the diamond industry have attempted to put consumers at ease with something called the Kimberley Process.

The scheme was established in 2003 with the noble and quite necessary aim of eradicating conflict diamonds by requiring governments of gem-producing nations to regulate the industry.

However, while many retailers will delight in telling you their products are Kimberley certified, others with less vested interests warn that the scheme has largely been a failure; with diamonds simply smuggled out of conflict zones into neighbouring countries for certification.

In December 2011, Charmian Gooch, a founding director of Global Witness, had this to say about the situation: "Nearly nine years after the Kimberley Process was launched, the sad truth is that most consumers still cannot be sure where their diamonds come from, nor whether they are financing armed violence or abusive regimes."

This is obviously a worrying statement for us buyers and raises the question of whether you can trust the history of any diamonds originating from Africa.

I personally didn't feel I could and began to look for alternatives.

As it turns out, Africa is not the only continent where diamonds exist. In fact, there are large deposits in developed nations such as Russia and Canada.

Clearly, these countries are not beset by civil war, which eliminates any worries about the flawed Kimberley Process, so I assumed it was a case of problem solved. However, as I said, blood diamonds are far from the only ethical sticking point when it comes to buying an engagement ring.

The environment

While I came across a number of retailers touting Canada as an ethical choice from a conflict diamond standpoint, it unfortunately seemed to fall down on environmental impact.

MiningWatch Canada first alerted me to the issue: "[Canadian] mines are often built in environmentally fragile ecosystems, have significant ecological footprints and will significantly impact upon the caribou, wolverine, bears, ptarmigan and fish.

"Exploration and mining distort and disrupt the cultural and social lives of Aboriginal peoples and the regional economy, and very few of the financial benefits from the mines return to the people who suffer most of the impacts."

So not only have Canadian mines apparently damaged the eco system, they have also impacted negatively on the indigenous people. At this point in my research, I was beginning to give up hope of ever finding an ethical diamond, but could Russia provide the answer?

From Russia With Love?

It was about this point in my research that I realised something very important: there is no such thing as an 'ethical diamond', or any piece of mined jewellery for that matter - from the gold that is used to make the bands to the stones that sit on top of them.

Whether damaging the environment through the creation of the pit or the use of toxic materials to get the gems out, displacing local people or exploiting workers, or even funding wars, mining is a dirty business.

What you have to weigh up is how much you want the real deal (a beautiful natural stone which was created millions of years ago) versus getting the next best thing (a synthetic lab-made diamond or a wooden band).

In the end, I decided to try to find the most ethical possible diamond ring I could.

This, for me, meant a Russian diamond. Although there is no doubt that the country's main mine at Mirny is quite a scar on the landscape (you'll come across stories of helicopters being sucked into it), the mining firm has actually closed the open pit and started digging underground, so no more external damage is being done.

It also appears that, as detailed in this BBC report, the miners are paid fairly and the local community is supported by the mining company.

Conclusions

At the end of the day, you ultimately have to decide what you are comfortable with. I personally felt I had been a lot more conscientious than the average consumer who simply walks into a store and says "I'll take that one".

After doing my research, I decided I couldn't trust the Kimberley Process and I didn't like the way indigenous people in Canada had suffered, but I felt I could live with buying a certified Russian diamond that was polished in Europe and not in an Indian sweat shop by a child labourer (yes, that's another issue with diamonds).

It's one of those things where you try to tell yourself that your choice won't make a difference to a multi-million pound industry. However, if everyone stopped buying African diamonds then producers would have to start adhering properly to the Kimberley Process and Africa would be a better place for it.

However, as consumers, I also feel that we can only know so much and therefore ultimately we end up having to place our faith in retailers and producers. It's a shame that many of them seem to lack the ethics of many of their customers.

Hopefully, I haven't put you off too much and hope you enjoy my upcoming blog: How much should I spend on an engagement ring? 

How to choose an engagement ring

A diamond engagement ring

If you've answered the question 'Should I propose to my girlfriend?' with a 'yes', you will now be thinking about the next stage of the proposal: choosing an engagement ring.

For the discerning boyfriend, this can become quite an involved process – a real labour of love.

As you will soon discover, there are a whole gamut of things to consider when it comes to buying an engagement ring, from the infamous '4 Cs' to the urban myth about spending one month's salary.  

Over the next six blog posts, I will be giving you a fiancé's insight into how to choose an engagement ring, starting with a topic you may not have considered: ethics. 

Should I propose to my girlfriend?

This is a question that those in even the most stable and long-term of relationships will ask themselves, so if you've only been together for a short while, it will no doubt seem like a tough one to answer.

I qualified as the former, having been with my girlfriend even longer than Prince William and Kate Middleton were before they got engaged (eight-and-a-half years to be precise). We were also living together, so even though I had a few moments of doubt, I was pretty confident of the outcome. Saying that, the stakes were high, as a 'no' would have been pretty disastrous for our relationship!

For those in the latter category, you may have less to lose (you may not be living together etc.), but you will also be far less confident of getting the right answer.

So, should you propose to your girlfriend?

First and foremost, guard against a lust-fuelled decision. Those early months of a relationship are like a night on the sparkling – heady and fun-filled – and are not representative of the lifetime commitment a proposal warrants.

Ask yourself some basic questions. Do I have a relationship with her family? Could we live together? Do we trust each other? Do we want the same things in life? The answer to all of these should be 'yes'.

Timing is also important. One of the reasons I waited longer than I might have is because proposing during university or while living at home didn't make sense. We had no money and no privacy – hardly conducive to married life.

All this being said, ultimately you should feel the answer to this question – it's one that should come from the heart. Deep down you'll know if she's the one. If she is your soul mate, you'll be more focussed on making sure she remembers the proposal forever than worrying about whether she's going to say 'yes'.